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Love Island USA is no stranger to social media discourse, but the latest debate to emerge from the villa is more scholarly than scandalous.
In Tuesday’s episode, contestants Kayda and Zach labeled their connection “exclusive,” which they defined as not seeing other people, but not formally becoming girlfriend and boyfriend. When Kayda shared that with her fellow contestant Trinity, she responded by calling Kayda and Zach’s dynamic a “situationship.” For the rest of the episode, the female contestants debated the meaning of exclusivity, and the internet picked up where they left off.
Some fans aligned with Kayda and Zach’s view of the word “exclusive,” as the step before becoming a traditional, monogamous couple. Others agreed with Trinity, defining a “situationship” as any romantic entanglement that lacks a formal title. The episode and the online conversation, when considered together, reflect a confusion shared by many young adults, especially when it comes to modern dating vocabulary.
“I think we put a lot of pressure on relationships to follow one script,” Ruby Rare, intimacy expert at the dating app Feeld, tells Teen Vogue. “In reality, the healthiest relationships are often the ones where people feel free to write their own.”
If Love Island USA is making you question your understanding of dating vernacular, fear not. Below, Rare demystifies some of today’s most common dating terms, how to talk about them with friends, and how these words can help us, rather than hold us back. (But if you’re looking for a definition of the term “French fry,” you’ll have to search somewhere else.)
The “phases” of a relationship
Despite what may play out in the villa, Rare says there’s no one-size-fits-all formula for building a healthy relationship. “We tend to imagine a neat progression from meeting, to dating, to exclusivity, to becoming a couple, but real relationships rarely unfold that way,” she says. “You’re getting to know each other, exploring attraction, deciding whether you want to keep seeing one another, talking about exclusivity, if that’s something you both want, and eventually deciding whether a committed partnership feels right.”
Rare feels open communication is the truest form of progress in any relationship. “Rather than focusing on milestones, I'd encourage people to focus on having honest conversations, as this is what builds the foundation of any connection,” she says. For Trinity and her villa connection, Bryce, those conversations have focused on their desire to enter a traditional “girlfriend and boyfriend” dynamic. Kayda and Zach, on the other hand, have discussed ways to move their relationship forward before adding the boyfriend-girlfriend label. Neither is right or wrong, but the conversation itself is key.
What does the word “exclusive” mean here?
Where “boyfriend,” “girlfriend,” and “partner” are descriptors for an identity, “exclusive” is all about the terms and conditions of the relationship itself. “Exclusivity describes an agreement,” Rare explains, “most commonly that you’re romantically and sexually monogamous.”
Rare feels the Islanders likely disagreed on the meaning of exclusive for a simple reason: It varies from relationship to relationship. Plus, it’s worth noting, circumstances are especially different at this stage in the show, when most people have two options: stay with their current connection or become single and risk elimination.
“For some people, becoming exclusive simply means they're choosing not to date or sleep with anyone else,” Rare says. “The important thing is that both people understand what those words actually mean. We often assume everyone defines ‘exclusive,’ ‘partner,’ or even ‘dating’ the same way, when they really don’t.”
What is a “situationship”?
Rare defines a situationship as “a connection that hasn’t been defined by traditional relationship labels.” She says the word tends to have a negative connotation, which could explain why Kayda was upset by Trinity’s use of it. However, situationships don’t have to be problematic: “That ambiguity isn't automatically a bad thing,” Rare says. “It can actually be very freeing, provided everyone’s on the same page.”
When a situationship does create anxiety, it’s less about the term, more about the inner workings of the relationship. No matter the label, communication is key to preventing confusion for all parties. “Whether you’re in a situationship, a monogamous relationship, or exploring nonmonogamy, the questions stay the same,” says Rare. “What are we looking for? What are our boundaries? Are we still on the same page?”
How the word is interpreted, Rare feels, is all about context. “‘Situationship’ is often used as shorthand for something casual, undefined, and less serious, even though that's not necessarily true,” she says. “If Kayda saw exclusivity as a meaningful step toward a committed relationship, having someone reduce it to a ‘situationship’ could easily feel like they were minimizing what she’d built with Zach.”
How to discuss dating terms with friends
Trinity’s definition of situationship clearly differs from Kayda’s, and Rare says these differences in interpretation are perfectly normal. “The challenge is that people are using the same words to mean different things,” she adds. For that reason, it’s crucial to build understanding by asking questions among friends with whom we choose to discuss our relationships.
“I think it’s more helpful to ask people what their relationship actually looks like than to assume we know based on a single word,” says Rare. No matter how well you think you know a friend, asking and keeping an open mind could save you from possible misunderstandings.
What’s the point of “official” dating terms?
Rare says dating terms should help people discuss what they actually want in a relationship—not create confusion. “One of the biggest barriers to intimacy is assuming we're all working from the same script,” she explains. “We aren’t.”
Instead of getting caught up in the meaning of exclusive and situationship, couples should focus on defining what they want to experience and feel in their relationship. “The healthiest relationships aren’t built because two people picked the right label,” Rare says. “They’re built because both people felt able to communicate honestly about their desires, their boundaries, and the kind of connection they wanted to create together.”
